When my husband and I moved to Dallas five years ago, we joined a church that stressed the importance of living in authentic community. We plugged into a small group that consisted of couples who’d been married 1-3 years. Our mentor couple paved the way for us to be open and accountable in all areas of our marriage, including the often-taboo topic of sex.
One evening around the table in confidentiality…
Recently, I tried on some black pants to go with my new black glittery TOMS that I got for my birthday. I looked in the mirror and felt pretty good about the pants.
I opened the dressing room door and took a good look in the big mirror. I asked the college-aged girl a few feet in front of me if she would give me her honest opinion about my pants. She stared at them for a while and said:
“I don’t LOVE them. You know, you and me, we kind of have short legs, and I don’t know. I don’t LOVE them.”
I was a little surprised by her response but took in what she was saying.
“Okay, yeah, thanks for being honest. I really appreciate it.”
She nodded her head and went back into her dressing room. My pride was a little crushed but I loved her honesty.
The black pants I had on were skinny jeans and I happened to have several pairs in my closet that I wear regularly. I went back into my dressing room and took a harder look in the mirror. I discovered that the black pants really weren’t flattering on me. And none of the skinny jeans I’d owned fit that t.i.g.h.t.!
The college girl was right after all.
The more I live my life, the more grateful I am to have others who will tell me not just what I want to hear, but who will tell me the truth in love. Even if it stings a little. Okay, a lot.
Because when we know the Truth, it guides us closer to healing.
Let me share a story.
One of my closest friends, Julia, and her husband Jay, were over for dinner at our place one night several years ago. We were laughing and having a good time. But in the course of our time together, at one point, my actions and tone of voice were very disrespectful to my husband Jeremiah.
The evening carried on and before Jay and Julia were about to leave, Julia approached me one on one and said she noticed my behavior and how it made Jeremiah look bad. In a loving, caring way, she helped open my eyes to my sin.
It hurt deeply to hear her words. I felt exposed and it was humbling. But I was able to tell her flat out that I struggled with disrespect and not knowing how to communicate my frustrations with my husband.
Julia encouraged me to talk to Jeremiah and really work on that area in my life. I asked her to hold me accountable. I knew how serious it was to find healing from this sin in my marriage.
Her willingness to speak truth into my life brought me closer to grappling with my sin and fighting it.
Over the years, I often remember that life-changing evening and as a wonderful friend, Julia has consistently held me accountable and I appreciate how open our relationship is. While I’m still imperfect at times, I’ve been able to see my sin clearer and make the necessary changes to build up our marriage, instead of tearing it down.
Indeed, Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He is our ultimate healer, but by His grace He chooses to use other people in our life to help fashion us more into his image.
Are you speaking the truth to those you love? Are you allowing them to tell you the truth? Maybe you have a story of your own…
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. – Prov. 27:17
If there is anything I’ve learned over the past few years in my journey of faith, it’s that knowing others and being known is absolutely essential as a follower of Christ.
Knowing others in the sense that I know what makes a person tick, their passions, hurts, habits, sin struggles, fears, joys, quirks, flaws, victories, achievements, and more.
Being known in the sense that those close to me know really know me- my insecurities, fears, sin struggles, passions, worries, victories, issues, dreams, and more. And they still accept, love, and spur me on without rejecting those weaknesses or rejecting me alltogether.
I’ve seen this lived out among my community group at church. My husband and I have done life with our group for four years now. The girls in our group- Julia, Jen, Ashley, and Ashley- have seen most of what there is to know about me. The good, bad, and ugly!
Over the years a trust has been built among us. Because authentic community is stressed so much at our church, we’ve been accountable to that and have lived by that standard even when it’s difficult. It’s been life-changing and life-giving for each of us.
John Donne penned the famous quote, “No man is an island.”
I know this, yet my pride often keeps me in isolation and from wanting to be fully known by others. I’d rather hide my weaknesses or do life on my own apart from anyone’s help. I’d prefer they not see any “yuckiness.” But God knows what happens when I’m left to deal with life by myself- it’s never good.
God created us to live in authentic community with other believers, where we are fully known and accepted. Yet where our friends won’t allow us to remain where we are.
We were created to step out of the shallow pool water and plunge into the depths of the ocean. There is no other way to do life.
Will you join me?
I’m writing an article for an e-zine that’s due at the end of the month on being authentic so I’ve been trying to gather some thoughts on this topic. It’s actually a topic I’m extremely passionate about, but I still have a lot to learn in what it means to be authentic myself. I’m a little nervous typing very slowly to even flesh it out in this post.
I think for quite a while the church has been a place where far too many people have been afraid to expose their weaknesses, struggles, and sins for fear of embarrassment, criticism, and all out rejection from other believers. Simply because… they’ve experienced it and they want nothing to do with it (I don’t blame them). So the result has been that we continue to live our lives in isolation. We become our own island, thinking this is the best way to keep from being wounded and hurt. So we never get past those struggles. We don’t give ourselves fully to other people and we’re never truly known by anyone.
I think in the past years however that we’re seeing a tiny shift away from this where more people are embracing “authentic community” and are learning to live lives “bare naked” in front of each other where sins are confessed, prayer is genuinely happening, and healing and restoration is taking place (James 5:16). So that ultimately, God is glorified in their lives.
It’s because of the healing that God wants to give us that we’re called to live authentically. I’ve experienced this in my community group at Watermark that consists of young married couples. We’ve been doing life together for over two years now. One day I was challenged and approached by Julia who saw something in my attitude towards my husband. My behavior was wrong and she let me know about it in love. I however, thought I could hide it. It hurt so bad to hear (I had a lot of pride) but it was exactly what I needed. Her authenticity with me helped cover a multitude of other problems.
Through a process, I’m learning that I’ll never become the person God wants me to be by hiding behind my struggles and not bringing them to light. I’ll never know just how “bad” my sin is when it’s not confessed, owned up to and measured with God’s standard. I’ll never be able to move forward or be victorious without acknowledging it and asking for help and accountability from other people.
Well… these are my thoughts for now at least.
How has living in authentic community with others brought freedom in your relationship with Christ and with others?
What do you wish the church understood about the struggles people have? Do you think the church has really missed the mark when it comes to embracing people where they’re at?
I was reading an article on Ungrind the other day that I’ve fallen in love with. It’s called Vulnerable and Unashamed by Christin Taylor. I was immediately drawn by her writing style, use of metaphors, the pictures she paints with words, and her authenticity.
Many of us have experienced moving to different cities, finding new friendships, and the whirlwind adjustments that go with that. Some of us struggle to allow other women into our souls for the fear of being wounded, rejected, or just “known.” We’d rather let them skim the surface. But God didn’t create us for shallow women friendships- He wants us to be known into the depths- scars, bruises, insecurities and all.
Here are a few sneak peaks into Christin’s article:
Movies and love songs croon about a desire to be seen and accepted by the men in our lives, but here is a deep down truth, a hidden knowing: husbands, boyfriends, and babies cannot satisfy the extents of our relational needs. Women’s hearts are vast and we need the love, the friendship, the intimacy of other women.
I’ve been so busy trying to keep myself from the pain of making new friends, the pain of loosing old ones that I’ve neglected to see the power of that pain. Maybe I’m supposed to let these relationships peel away the dead skin on my heart. Perhaps I’ve gotten too comfortable, been too self-absorbed, and the burn of vulnerability does a scrubbing work on my soul. I go in tan, I come out bright pink.
In order to engage in the intimacy of women friendships it means letting each other close to the fleshy part of our hearts, and that means sometimes getting snagged.