The Social Media Comparison Struggle


Last week I met with my friend Katie for evening coffee at our local Starbucks. We’ve known each other for almost seven years. She’s one of the most gifted people I know. She started her own Etsy shop that’s grown to be very successful, her entire home looks like a Pinterest explosion, she takes breathtaking photos, she’s a talented blogger, gifted thrifter, DIY crafter, creates amazing design work, and has two strikingly adorable kids and a hard working husband.

Basically anything Katie puts her heart to, she gets it done very well. What I love most about her is her love for Jesus and ministry. I also love that she makes me gut laugh.

While she sipped on her hot chocolate and I nursed my tea latte, we got on the topic of comparing ourselves to our friends on Facebook and Instagram.

“Yeah, I look at all the activities my friends are doing with their kids each day and then I think about what I’m not doing and feel like being at home is not enough,” she said.

I didn’t know she struggled with comparisons too. I mentioned how I’ve been working on a writing project that has kept me more distant from social media and how the break has been nice. I’ve felt more content.

“But, you know, I’ve compared myself to you too,” I told Katie. “I look at my house and wish I was as talented as you to decorate mine like yours… I’m nowhere near as gifted as you are!”

We laughed and talked about how there are two sides to every story and agreed how hard it is not to compare yourself to your friends. Facebook news feeds and Instagram photos are usually filled with the highlights of life – rarely the struggle. And these are your friends, not just random people. These are friends you love and care for.

In news feeds you don’t typically read, My amazing husband surprised me with a bouquet of flowers and a night at a hotel and then we got into a knock-down, drag-out fight the next week. 

You don’t see videos of your friends’ kids being defiant, disobedient, and calling names. You don’t see deep-seeded thoughts about loneliness or depression. You don’t see sweat pants, unbrushed hair, and no make-up. You don’t see tears, anger, and exhaustion. You don’t see spiritual warfare or a crisis of faith. Or real battles with this or that struggle. There are just some issues that need to be kept private but that’s another blog post.

We have to be really careful about what we assume. Numerous times, I’ve been tempted to think a friend’s life is better or perfect, free of struggles. Many times I’ve grown discontent with my own life or felt insecure. This can all happen in person too so it’s more a matter of the heart:

Am I satisfied with all the blessings God has given me and where He has me? Am I truly thankful? Can I celebrate others rather than compare? Am I running to God to meet all my needs?

We’re still going to use social media outlets but since they aren’t the full picture of reality, I think we can have a better perspective on the affect it it has on our relationships. Here are 5 practices I’ve found helpful:

1.) Invite others into your story- the beautiful and broken. Most of us value connecting with friends in an honest way. Don’t be afraid to post photos of your mountain of laundry, trials, ways you’ve failed or lessons learned. Your friends will relate and most people like to know they aren’t the only ones who struggle.

2.) Praise the gifts and talents you see in your friends. We’re called to encourage and edify one another. If you see a gift active and alive in your friend, praise it and celebrate it. Help her draw out her gifts so she can serve others better and help make a difference in this world. She may never know she has the gift until you recognize it. A little praise can go a long way.

3.) Invest in relationships right where you are. Be intentional about getting together with the friends you have close by in real life. Chances are you’ll see the full story and will be less likely to compare so much. You’ll realize that no one has it all together and you’ll be thankful for the strengths you do have. You may have the opportunity to encourage a hurting friend and be encouraged yourself.

4.) If it’s a stumbling block, cut it off. It’s great to keep up with friends online, but as mentioned above, if you notice heart or sin issues arising like covetousness, ungratefulness, unhealthy comparisons, extreme lows, or starting to get too attached or addicted, cutting it off and taking a break will serve you well and help set you free from the struggle.

5.) Confess your comparison struggles. It’s hard to be honest but it was good to tell Katie I had been comparing myself to her and other friends. She was the first to be open and that encouraged me to be more vulnerable. We also learned that we’re not alone. When we confess we acknowledge it’s not right to be consumed with comparisons because it steals the abundant life that God desires for us to have.

Our relationship with Christ and each other is much more valuable than being caught up in comparison struggles so it’s definitely worth fighting against them in order to maintain love, joy, and oneness in our relationships.

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  1. Lindsay says:

    Great post! I agree that there is always more than what the social media photo “speaks” to your followers. For instance, as a single I have lots of friend time. So, the photos show a pretty fun, carefree life. But after a dinner out, I go home to a very quiet, “empty” house, go to bed alone, and feel lonely. The full calendar of activities doesn’t always translate to being known in the way I want to be known. I don’t have the level of relationship that a husband and children bring, and I long for that life (for more reasons than that, of course). One more “girls night out” or even, dare I say it, women’s Bible study and I think I’m gonna puke. I’m over it. My married-with-kids friends say they get bogged down sometimes in the daily grind of their lives and crave a night out with the girls or a women’s event at church. It’s funny how their photos of kiddos playing in the yard can break my heart on a hard day, and they feel the same way about mine. We do have to be careful about comparison, because it can be the thief of joy and contentment about what God has for us in this season of life…whatever that is.

    • samanthakrieger says:

      thanks for being so honest Lindsay. And that is so true about longing for the world you don’t always have at times. It truly is all about what God has for us.

  2. Vanny says:

    I’ve been thinking about these very things lately and have been purposing to find joy in what I do have instead of what I have yet to obtain. When I do stop and give thanks for what God has given specifically to me, it’s in those moments that I am overcome with an indescribable joy. It’s in those moments when I am most content. I have to remind myself daily that He knows what I need better than I do. I need to fully embrace the life I have now. The years are passing by too quickly now, and even though there are struggles and difficulties be it with children or my husband or my financial situation, I’ll never get these days, months, years back. When they’re gone, they’re gone.

    Thanks for writing this! And I love your list. Very good and practical suggestions.

  3. Jolene Underwood says:

    Great post. Your five practical tips are spot on. Agreeing with you in your encouragement. May we all be more intentional in our friendship investments as well willing to recognize when and where something needs to be cut off. I’ve had friendships I’ve nurtured for years and realized later that no amount of personal investment was enough to keep it kindled. On the other hand, there are friends who require less and the relationship lasts longer. May God give us eyes to see where to spend our time regardless of how we see it.

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